Remus, Alone
by tribbletrash
Summary: It's been twelve years since Remus has successfully cast a Patronus. To be fair, he's had very few memories worthy of them. (Sirius/Remus)


It's three in the afternoon. Remus Lupin is curled in a ball on his sofa, crying.

There's nothing he can do at this point. He's already informed the Wizengamot he'll testify in court regarding the Potters' Secret-Keeper, something he does _not_ want to think about at the moment. He's asked Dumbledore if he could take Harry in, and received a firm no for reasons the headmaster wouldn't elaborate on. There's nothing he can do at this point but cry.

He's reaching for another bar of chocolate- not that it'll help, but who gives a fuck anyways- when he hears a sudden rap at the window. His heart jumps a little, even though he knows it's not Sirius. He hopes to god it's not Sirius, actually; Remus keeps having to remind himself what Sirius has done, and that things can never, _ever_ be the same again.

The source of the sound is really a small tawny owl, patiently waiting to be let in. Remus lopes towards the window and opens it- the bird drops a newspaper in front of him and holds out a leg for payment. Remus fumbles a few coins from his pocket and pays- the owl, satisfied, flies off with a hoot of thanks. He's probably overpaid, hasn't he. Goddammit.

He unrolls the paper- _Evening Prophet_. How do they print them so fast, he wonders distractedly. And then he reads the headline, and his blood runs cold.

FRIEND OF POTTERS, TWELVE MUGGLES MURDERED.

Below, a small inset of Peter laughing, and a full size mugshot of Sirius Black.

Remus sets the paper down, shaking. Peter is dead. James and Lily are dead. And Sirius is a traitor and a killer and Peter and James and Lily are dead and Remus is alone, alone in the world.

He staggers towards the sofa- he's not going to his bedroom again. Sirius' bedroom. Their bedroom. Remus stares at the ceiling, listening to his own unsteady breathing, and wonders why Peter and Lily and James and not him instead.

It's been twelve years since that day. Remus opens his eyes to absolute darkness and the panicked whispers of children.

Immediately, he knows what's happened. Dementors- the literal kind, not the metaphorical ones that have been plaguing him of late. At least this has a solid solution.

He holds his wand out in front of him, hoping he looks more intimidating than he feels. "None of is hiding Sirius Black under our cloaks," he says with as much contempt as he can muster. "Go."

The dementor does not go.

Remus lets out half a sigh. If it won't leave them alone, he'll have to make it. But a Patronus? A happy memory? That's a fucking tall order for Remus, especially right now.

So he closes his eyes and remembers being fifteen years old. He remembers romping through the woods in moonlight he no longer fears, James and Peter at his side. (He intentionally does _not_ remember the black dog at his side, playfully barking at bowtruckles and chasing kneazles up trees.

"Expecto patronum!" he murmurs. His wand emits a thin silver mist, just bright enough to illuminate the unimpressed Dementor before him. His lousy selective memories aren't going to cut it.

And so he remembers Sirius.

He remembers being awoken at two in the morning in fifth year by a grunting black dog bouncing around on his bed, which quickly transformed into a laughing Sirius, shouting, "Look, Remus! I can do it!" He remembers kissing Sirius full on the mouth in sixth year, and Sirius letting him. He remembers coming home to their flat one day to find Sirius attempting to build a motorbike in their sitting room, and how Sirius simply collapsed into giggles when Remus had asked how he planned to get it out of the room. For the first time in twelve years, he allows himself to remember just how fucking in love they were.

Unbidden, a silvery canine springs from Remus' wand, pouncing at the Dementor, which flees without a backward glance. His Patronus promptly dissolves into stardust.

It's the first time in all the years since that he's successfully managed to conjure one. There's a small voice in the back of his head noting that the Patronus had looked uncannily like a certain dog, but Remus pushes the thought away. For the first time in forever, he prays that it's only a wolf.


End file.
